Thursday, January 5th, 2012- Little China Girl-David Bowie

The past 24 hours have been incredibly difficult. To deal with my own emotional pain is something I am pretty accustomed to. To deal with another persons emotional pain...pain that I am inflicting, well, that is just a whole 'nother ball of wax. It is almost unbearable. I don't even know how I am not giving in, I always have before. Not giving in is all the past 24 hours have consisted of, well that and just white-knuckling it. Just not giving in is all I have at the moment. That and the knowledge that I will get through this, even though it sure as hell does not feel like it. I am more grateful for that knowledge than I have ever been for anything in my life...it is keeping me sane. That and Daniel. I am taking some very tangible steps towards independence, which is awesome, but it almost doesn't even feel real. Not yet. I just gotta weather this storm. And I will. Even if I can't see through it right now.  I kinda feel like this song- sad lyrics with an upbeat melody. That kind of describes me in a nutshell...I find myself to be optimistic- most of the time- even though I hurt this bad. Even if it just the tiniest little voice in the back of my head, telling me it will be ok. I do have moments of complete hopelessness, but just moments, not days like when I was younger. I guess it's a matter of stringing those "it's gonna be ok" moments together and holding on tight. So maybe I have more than I thought when I started this post.  First thought of the morning? "Oh oh oh ohhh, Little China Girl." I have not thought of this song in forever! Love me some Bowie...