Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Wednesday, December 7th, 2011- For the second time in my life, I am in a extraordiary amount of emotional pain. The first time was when my mom commited suicide. I didn't walk through it so much as just exist through it. I just kept waking up, breathing, eating...without any choice in the matter. It just was. I had no faith, I really thought there was no way I would ever be ok again, and happy-ha! It was a living nightmare, every second of everyday for the first year or two. This December 13th marks the 6th anniversary of her death. Only in the past year or two did this time of year start to become significantly less painfull. God, my timing is impeccable. So now, having decided to divorce, here I am, in this often overwheming pain. This time...this time I know I will get through this. And I will do so wide awake, feeling it. Walking through the feeling. Without alcohol..hahaha...drowning my sorrows in drink has not even crossed my mind. No need to question that one. I have faith this time. I have had experience as the ulimate teacher. With my mom, I would have done anything in the world to get her back...if I could have willed myself back in time to try and change things, I would have in a heartbeat. It is just as impossible to do so now as it was then. I didn't get married thinking I would get divorced. Could I change my decision? Of course. Will I? No...there is no turning back. To me, it is a final as my mom's death, it is a death in it's own way. I choose everyday not to turn back, just to keep moving forward. I just keep playing the whole tape through, and it has never been a new tape, with a surprise ending, why would it be any different now? I can feel this pain, and still look back an appreciate the happy times, I could not do that with my mom for so long, the pain took over everything. And of course, there are the constants. My friends and family, who hold me up during the most painful times. I have more gratitude than I can put into words for that. My amazing son. And did I mention faith? Call it God, call it the's there. I just have to breath the fear out, cry the fear, the heartache, out and make room for faith. Choose to let it in. Easier in some moments that others, but even in that fear, I still know, deep in my heart, that I will not only be ok, I will be happy again. I am not a zombie this time around...I can still laugh and enjoy life. Maybe in smaller doses right now, but it is there. Another constant? Music. Man...where would I be without it? I don't even want to know. I can allow it into my soul, even if it is painful, it is ultimately cleansing. Plus, I can shake my ass to it and blow some steam off, which is a huge plus ;) Anyway, this group of 3 songs, once again, I am at a loss for words. They comfort me beyond belief, even when I sit in my car and cry to them. One lyric that I love, "Spread your codes to the stars" reminds me that I am a part of somethig so much bigger than myself, but it does not make me feel small. It makes me feel...reassured, hopeful even. And it takes me out of my own head, which is always a good thing. So, in the end, I hurt. It sucks. But above and beyond all that, I am grateful, I have faith and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. What more can I ask for? Absolutely nothing.

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