Saturday, December 31, 2011

December 31st, 2011-Shiny Toy Guns-Ghost Town

So, the clock is ticking toward the end of 2011. I am usually the kind of person who bah-humbugs the previous year, and welcomes the new one in, expecting it to different-better-just because it is a new year. Like time says, "You know, 2011 was a rough year for her; what do you say we ease up for 2012 and cut her a break?" This year, I have a different attitude moving into the new year. Was 2011 rough? Oh, hell yes. Is 2012 going to magically easier? Oh, hell no! But you know what? I am ok with that-for  once. I guess the key to that is attitude and perspective, and a big change in both for me. Even though this year has been painful, I am making the choice to look back on it with gratitude. Gratitude for the good times, and gratitude for learning from the bad times. I made huge, life changing decisions this year, one of which was to get sober, with the help of a 12-Step program. I credit that for the change in attitude and perspective. So my point is this: 2012 may not be "better" than 2011, but it sure will be different and as long as I carry the lessons from 2011 into it, I will be ok. It will no doubt bring its own set of challenges- some of which I haven't even anticipated yet. But, the challenges of 2011 have taught me so much: just to keep moving through the pain, to stay in the moment, to be grateful, to be strong, and to walk into uncharted territory even though I am scared. To start taking responsibility for my own choices and the changes I still need to make. Of course, some moments are easier than others, but I understand more than ever that I can get through it. Not by avoiding the feelings, or drowning them in alcohol, but by embracing them, feeling them. I still have some fear of the unknown walking into this new year, but I won't let that hinder me. After all, I only have to take it one moment at a time. I can handle that. Anyway, my goal for this beautiful, sun-shiny day to to enjoy it with my son, so with that, I will close with my Moment of Waking lyric: "Everyone living in Ghost Town"

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