December 28th, 2011- Moment of Waking

Well, I was two strikes down before I even got out of bed this morning: 1) Unskinny Bop was in my head 2) My body was riddled with anxiety. Been trying to get rid of both all day, haha. I am trying so hard to stay in the moment, to be really aware of where I am at any moment, and I do mean physically. I find that I can't be wrapped up in my head if I am listening to my body, although the anxiety is virtually a constant presence, ebbing and flowing through my chest. I realized that I should not fight it, but maybe just give into it a little, but not in a self-pity kind of way. In a "the only way out is through" kind of way. Not very comfortable, but I just try to keep reminding myself of all the things I have to be grateful for and, that this too, shall pass. In a meeting the other day, the topic was the first step. I had an amazing epiphany. I realized, for the first time, that I am powerless over my mothers suicide. And I don't mean in a what I could have/should have done to prevent it kind of way...those thoughts plagued me for a long time. I don't even know if I can explain it...but it really helped me understand and let go of it in new way. I feel an amazing amount of gratitude for that. In the meantime, I have realized, as Shirley Manson sang "The trick is to keep breathing." It really is. The mind-body connection is an amazing thing, and at some point today, I recognized that when the anxiety was the worst, I was unconsciously holding my breath. So, breathing in my goal right now. I think I can handle that. Oh, and I just cannot bring myself to post Unskinny Bop, so I am posting Garbage instead ;)