Saturday, December 10, 2011

46+2

Life is such a trip sometimes. I made a huge, life-changing decision, and it has set off a chain reaction. I am not complaining, but damn. Now, I like to think that I am pretty good about taking an honest look at myself, admitting my character defects and such, but life has given me a whole new level to look at. When I decided to end my marriage, as painful as a decision as it was, I felt a measure of relief. Of course, I knew that it was not the source of all my problems, I guess I just did not realize that I was so hyper-focused on that particular set of problems, it made it so easy for me to ignore myself. To ignore what I need to deal with, what I need to work through. I was always the kid in school who did well, but only just well enough to make good grades and not really excel at anything. I was always hearing about my "potential." I never put it into motion. Well, surprise surprise; here I am, all these years later, still locked in the potential mode. Ain't that some shit. I am realizing that it is not enough for me to break free of a confining relationship; I have to break free of myself. I confine myself to this set of imaginary lines I constructed a long time ago. And I am fucking tired of it. Tired of being disappointed in myself. Tired of doing the bare minimum to get through the day. It's bullshit, to be quite honest. There is another me just screaming to be let out! And it won't be easy, but nothing worth having ever is, right? And I am so ready. I will no longer just stand idly by as my life passes. I want to LIVE it. Feel it. Be present in it. In other words, live it to the fullest extent that is humanly possible. I want to soak it up, absorb it with every pore. I thirst for it. Yearn for it. First things first, I have some messes to clean up. The only way I have ever been able to do that is through a 12-step program. I have a love/hate relationship with the program, although I cannot really pin down why. I mean, it quite literally saved my life. I bet if I did pin a reason down, I would find it to be complete and utter bullshit. So, I am heading back to meetings, and I am going to work the steps. I have never had such an intense spiritual connection as I did when I was working a program, working steps. I also decided to take a semester off of school, partially out of necessity. My estranged husband has decided that he needs a month in Seattle to deal with everything. A month does not sound like a long time-until you factor in the whole parenting bit, it becomes a lot more complicated. I was furious to begin with, but now I get it. Here's a shocker...maybe it isn't all about ME! Ha-imagine that! So, I am going to take some time for myself. It's demolition and reconstruction time, do or die, put up or shut the fuck up. Really. I don't think I am being over dramatic, and if I am, oh well. It's funny how one decision can take you down a path that you never imagined. It will also give me time to give my son some extra time and attention, which I am so grateful to be able to provide for him. He deserves it. Anyway, I am just emotionally and physically exhausted and I have no idea if I am making any sense whatsoever. I just gotta get it out. The best way to sum it all up is a song, as usual. A Tool song, at that. 46+2...that is where I am, what I want to do. Clear it all out, even if I have to crawl on my belly to do it, and step through my own shadow. I'm ready. Bring it on.






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