Friday, January 6th, 2012- That 70s Show theme song...

I have really been thinking a lot about forgiveness today. I keep being told that the reason I am going through with this divorce is because I will not grant forgiveness for one particular thing. And maybe that was true a few months ago. But I have really been searching myself, taking my own inventory, and I have come to the conclusion that I have given forgiveness, for this one thing and many others. Not that I'm Mother Teresa or anything. I have my own defects and fuck-ups and have my own part in the marriage to take responsibility for. I think that maybe I have been TOO forgiving, and that created a pattern of behavior, a vicious cycle. I think I have finally realized that no amount of forgiveness will change another person, even if they promise that they will change. So, what is really about for me is self preservation. I guess it finally hit home that no-one else is going to give me that. They don't call it other-people-preserving-you-for-you. I have to do it. The crazy thing is that it is just happening. Like it is almost out of my control. No matter what is said to me; the pleas, the promises, the "do you know how tough it really is out there" comments, I just keep moving forward, not giving in. I have ALWAYS caved in the past. And I just can't anymore. Not out of anger, resentment or lack of forgiveness. I have fear of caving in, but in this case, I don't think fear is a bad thing. Of course, I have waves of the aforementioned feelings and moments when I still act out on them. But that is happening less and less as things become clearer. Even though I am hurting, it's like I have found this little peaceful part somewhere in my heart, that knows I am making the right decision, and it just kind of takes over for me when things get intense. It is completely new and bizarre and foreign to me, but I'm just going to keep going with it. And hell yes, I have fear of this new and unknown future ahead of me, but dare I say I am just a little excited? Curious? Relieved? What a strange juxtaposition of feelings this all is...
First thought upon my Moment of Waking? "Hangin' Out!" I used to love this show. Until it started to suck, hahaha. Kind of like "Scrubs." Awesome show, just on the air for a little to long and got weird and stale. Oh well, that's what re-runs are for ;)