Friday, January 13th, 2012 - You are the One- Shiny Toy Guns

The past few days have been a real roller coaster- you think I would be used to that by now. I am finally taking these tangible steps towards independence...and all of these emotional road blocks keep being thrown up, and not necessarily my own. I can't even begin to delve into that, so I will talk about my Moment of Waking song instead. The first thought in my head, "You'll never be alone again." There is the pessimistic side of me that is like, "well, fuck you for that one, brain." Then there is the part of me that says that being "alone" is all in how I define it. I have been working really damn hard to stay off the pity pot, but it's not easy. I am alone, relationship wise, for the first time in 11 years. That is, if you define alone as a physical condition. Typing it all out, I realize that I have been emotionally alone many, many times throughout this 11-year marriage. Some of that was done to me, some of it I did to myself, by withdrawing. I have again withdrawn myself emotionally from this relationship, but in a completely new way. Not out of pain, spite, anger or bitterness, or even fear, but out of the need and desire to get healthy. I have withdrawn FOR myself. And I have to watch my definition of "alone." I have so many amazing people in my life, who have given me so much unconditional love...that is what I need to lean on. There is a law in my state in which, except in certain circumstances, you have to be separated for one year before you can file for divorce. When I first learned that, I was just like wtf? Now I am ok with it. I NEED that time. What I mean is, for the next ten months, if get in a relationship, it is still defined as infidelity, which is a pretty big deal to me. Yeah, I flirt, and crush on and talk shit, but I have never been unfaithful and don't plan on starting now. Not that I have anyone in mind anyway, hahaha. But, the next ten months can be a HUGE opportunity for growth if I work for it. There was a time in my life, when I spent three years intentionally choosing to be single. Saying no to dates and such. The first year was shitty as hell, but then I grew to really enjoy my own company. That was when I was in my 20s. I can do it again. Hell, I already feel a few steps ahead of that, I am much more at home in my own skin than I was then. So, here is the song, and I like that I can enjoy it instead of being all bitter about it. What a relief.