Saturday, December 31, 2011
So, the clock is ticking toward the end of 2011. I am usually the kind of person who bah-humbugs the previous year, and welcomes the new one in, expecting it to different-better-just because it is a new year. Like time says, "You know, 2011 was a rough year for her; what do you say we ease up for 2012 and cut her a break?" This year, I have a different attitude moving into the new year. Was 2011 rough? Oh, hell yes. Is 2012 going to magically easier? Oh, hell no! But you know what? I am ok with that-for once. I guess the key to that is attitude and perspective, and a big change in both for me. Even though this year has been painful, I am making the choice to look back on it with gratitude. Gratitude for the good times, and gratitude for learning from the bad times. I made huge, life changing decisions this year, one of which was to get sober, with the help of a 12-Step program. I credit that for the change in attitude and perspective. So my point is this: 2012 may not be "better" than 2011, but it sure will be different and as long as I carry the lessons from 2011 into it, I will be ok. It will no doubt bring its own set of challenges- some of which I haven't even anticipated yet. But, the challenges of 2011 have taught me so much: just to keep moving through the pain, to stay in the moment, to be grateful, to be strong, and to walk into uncharted territory even though I am scared. To start taking responsibility for my own choices and the changes I still need to make. Of course, some moments are easier than others, but I understand more than ever that I can get through it. Not by avoiding the feelings, or drowning them in alcohol, but by embracing them, feeling them. I still have some fear of the unknown walking into this new year, but I won't let that hinder me. After all, I only have to take it one moment at a time. I can handle that. Anyway, my goal for this beautiful, sun-shiny day to to enjoy it with my son, so with that, I will close with my Moment of Waking lyric: "Everyone living in Ghost Town"
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Much less anxiety today. Watched "The Diving Bell and The Butterfly" last night. Incredible true story of Jean-Dominique Bauby, the editor of Elle magazine, who suffered a stroke at the age of 45. He was entirely paralyzed from head to toe, with the exception of his left eye. He then decided he wanted to write a book about his experience, and with woman taking dictation, with the only communication being the blinking of his left eye, letter by letter, he did. He died ten days after the book was finished. It really puts things into perspective when you see something like that, and I feel so much gratitude for my life today. I am really looking forward to getting the book. Anyway, here is my Moment of Waking song, by a band recently introduced to me by a friend, The Knife. The lyric I woke up with? "And we raise our heads for the colour red."Great stuff. I couldn't find the original, but I like this remix.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Ahhh, no major insights or revelations to report today, thank god. Everybody needs a break sometimes! Woke up with Lou Reed this morning, and in a fabulous mood. I love Lou, he is such a weirdo, how can I not? "Satellite's gone, up to the skies, things like that drive me out of my mind." Love this one...
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Life is such a trip sometimes. I made a huge, life-changing decision, and it has set off a chain reaction. I am not complaining, but damn. Now, I like to think that I am pretty good about taking an honest look at myself, admitting my character defects and such, but life has given me a whole new level to look at. When I decided to end my marriage, as painful as a decision as it was, I felt a measure of relief. Of course, I knew that it was not the source of all my problems, I guess I just did not realize that I was so hyper-focused on that particular set of problems, it made it so easy for me to ignore myself. To ignore what I need to deal with, what I need to work through. I was always the kid in school who did well, but only just well enough to make good grades and not really excel at anything. I was always hearing about my "potential." I never put it into motion. Well, surprise surprise; here I am, all these years later, still locked in the potential mode. Ain't that some shit. I am realizing that it is not enough for me to break free of a confining relationship; I have to break free of myself. I confine myself to this set of imaginary lines I constructed a long time ago. And I am fucking tired of it. Tired of being disappointed in myself. Tired of doing the bare minimum to get through the day. It's bullshit, to be quite honest. There is another me just screaming to be let out! And it won't be easy, but nothing worth having ever is, right? And I am so ready. I will no longer just stand idly by as my life passes. I want to LIVE it. Feel it. Be present in it. In other words, live it to the fullest extent that is humanly possible. I want to soak it up, absorb it with every pore. I thirst for it. Yearn for it. First things first, I have some messes to clean up. The only way I have ever been able to do that is through a 12-step program. I have a love/hate relationship with the program, although I cannot really pin down why. I mean, it quite literally saved my life. I bet if I did pin a reason down, I would find it to be complete and utter bullshit. So, I am heading back to meetings, and I am going to work the steps. I have never had such an intense spiritual connection as I did when I was working a program, working steps. I also decided to take a semester off of school, partially out of necessity. My estranged husband has decided that he needs a month in Seattle to deal with everything. A month does not sound like a long time-until you factor in the whole parenting bit, it becomes a lot more complicated. I was furious to begin with, but now I get it. Here's a shocker...maybe it isn't all about ME! Ha-imagine that! So, I am going to take some time for myself. It's demolition and reconstruction time, do or die, put up or shut the fuck up. Really. I don't think I am being over dramatic, and if I am, oh well. It's funny how one decision can take you down a path that you never imagined. It will also give me time to give my son some extra time and attention, which I am so grateful to be able to provide for him. He deserves it. Anyway, I am just emotionally and physically exhausted and I have no idea if I am making any sense whatsoever. I just gotta get it out. The best way to sum it all up is a song, as usual. A Tool song, at that. 46+2...that is where I am, what I want to do. Clear it all out, even if I have to crawl on my belly to do it, and step through my own shadow. I'm ready. Bring it on.