Moment of Waking

Every morning,almost without exception, as soon as I open my eyes,and before my feet hit the floor, a song lyric goes through my head. Sometimes they are good, sometimes funny, and once it was Pants on the Ground. Hope you enjoy them as much as I do.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Feb 28th Moment of Waking-Get up Offa that Thing!!

Posted by trickee at 4:14 PM

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11/15/11-3:17am...Not a Moment of Waking song, although I am still having them. Soundgarden, Inxs, Fleetwood Mac, the theme song from "The Facts of Life"...typical stuff. This post is about my new favorite band. You know how something can come into your life at just the right moment, just when you need it the most? This band is it. I get lost in them. I just don't have the words to describe how they make me feel. And they fucking rock, so there's that. Muse has become my muse, and my solace.
Wednesday, December 7th, 2011- For the second time in my life, I am in a extraordiary amount of emotional pain. The first time was when my mom commited suicide. I didn't walk through it so much as just exist through it. I just kept waking up, breathing, eating...without any choice in the matter. It just was. I had no faith, I really thought there was no way I would ever be ok again, and happy-ha! It was a living nightmare, every second of everyday for the first year or two. This December 13th marks the 6th anniversary of her death. Only in the past year or two did this time of year start to become significantly less painfull. God, my timing is impeccable. So now, having decided to divorce, here I am, in this often overwheming pain. This time...this time I know I will get through this. And I will do so wide awake, feeling it. Walking through the feeling. Without alcohol..hahaha...drowning my sorrows in drink has not even crossed my mind. No need to question that one. I have faith this time. I have had experience as the ulimate teacher. With my mom, I would have done anything in the world to get her back...if I could have willed myself back in time to try and change things, I would have in a heartbeat. It is just as impossible to do so now as it was then. I didn't get married thinking I would get divorced. Could I change my decision? Of course. Will I? No...there is no turning back. To me, it is a final as my mom's death, it is a death in it's own way. I choose everyday not to turn back, just to keep moving forward. I just keep playing the whole tape through, and it has never been a new tape, with a surprise ending, why would it be any different now? I can feel this pain, and still look back an appreciate the happy times, I could not do that with my mom for so long, the pain took over everything. And of course, there are the constants. My friends and family, who hold me up during the most painful times. I have more gratitude than I can put into words for that. My amazing son. And did I mention faith? Call it God, call it the Universe...it's there. I just have to breath the fear out, cry the fear, the heartache, out and make room for faith. Choose to let it in. Easier in some moments that others, but even in that fear, I still know, deep in my heart, that I will not only be ok, I will be happy again. I am not a zombie this time around...I can still laugh and enjoy life. Maybe in smaller doses right now, but it is there. Another constant? Music. Man...where would I be without it? I don't even want to know. I can allow it into my soul, even if it is painful, it is ultimately cleansing. Plus, I can shake my ass to it and blow some steam off, which is a huge plus ;) Anyway, this group of 3 songs, once again, I am at a loss for words. They comfort me beyond belief, even when I sit in my car and cry to them. One lyric that I love, "Spread your codes to the stars"...it reminds me that I am a part of somethig so much bigger than myself, but it does not make me feel small. It makes me feel...reassured, hopeful even. And it takes me out of my own head, which is always a good thing. So, in the end, I hurt. It sucks. But above and beyond all that, I am grateful, I have faith and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. What more can I ask for? Absolutely nothing.
Moment of Waking-December 3, 2011- I woke up today with a question swirling in my thoughts: What is it the separates the human animal from the rest of the animal kingdom? Opposable thumbs? The ability to reason on a higher plane? The ability to create and destroy? I eventually came up with two things: our propensity to be cruel, and our ability to love beyond reason. I am not aware of any other animal that causes another pain intentionally, just for the sake of doing it. Of course, you can always point out causal factors: rage, hurt, grief, hate, fear, but since when does correlation equal causation? Humans have been at war with each other since the beginning of time, with a multitude of reasons as to why: land, money, religion, resources, but could it be that it is just in our nature? Maybe even in our DNA? What about emotional pain? To break another persons spirit? To be unable to empathize? When I travel down these dark roads, I choose not to stay long. I always come back to the same thought, my son. Having a child gave love an entirely different definition for me. Sure, in my life, I have loved and do love many people and animals as well. But all of that pales in comparison to the overwhelming love that I felt when I held my baby boy for the first time, and ever since. Other animals care for their young, but is that only biologically driven? The need to continue your own species is, of course, not a uniquely human trait, it belongs to even the microorganisms, conscious or not. But that is another rabbit hole. My point is, what makes us love beyond what we think we are capable of? To love unconditionally? I do not have the answer, but I sure do have the reason...my reason, anyway. What would our world be like if we could apply a fraction of that pure love to other aspects of our lives, to other relationships, even a brief exchange with a stranger, or with our planet? Certainly some people do. When I can be conscious of how my words, my actions, affect others, I am acting out of love. When I can move beyond my own selfishness, that is. When I can take myself out of my own tiny little world for a bit. But my son is the only one I have never had that struggle with, it comes naturally, it just is. And I am beyond grateful for that. Especially during the hardest times of my life: when my mother committed suicide, and now, having made a decision to divorce. It enables me to get out of bed when I think it impossible. To smile when my heart is broken. To give love when all I feel is pain. Of course, it could be argued that it does not make me totally selfless, because my decision has inflicted pain on my son. Another rabbit hole, one I cannot go down. I suppose that, at heart, I am an optimist-I will continue to believe in love. I will choose to believe that this too shall pass. Because of my son, and for him, and for all he has taught me about unconditional love, and the unconditional love he gives me. Anyway, those are the thoughts I woke up with, layered within this song. Speaking of love....Muse.
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