Friday, January 27th, 2012- Crazy Train- Ozzy Osbourne

"Ay Ay Ay!" Hahaha...that cracked me up when it went through my head at my moment of waking. The sun is out once again and I feel fantastic! Really looking forward to a child-free weekend! I may actually get out of the house and do something different! Any ideas? ;)

Tuesday, January 24th, 2012- Resistance- Muse

"Love Is Our Resistance" Sigh...these are the words I woke up with, echoing in my head.

That was the one sentence I managed to write this morning, before I decided to go back to bed. I haven't written in a few days-I was really trying to avoid a poor-pitiful-me post. But when I woke up with that lyric, I was prepared to unleash it, and now I am so happy I didn't. Even though it was depression that drove me back to bed, when I woke up there was a major change...outside. The SUN came out! It has rained for days and days now, and god, it felt like months. I do deal with depression in all seasons, but winter takes the freaking cake. Spring, summer and autumn are WAY more manageable for me, and I usually feel pretty good. This past summer was an exception, the shit hit the fan in May. Right at the time of my 11th Wedding Anniversary and my birthday, which are in the same week. Anyway, the sunshine perked me right up, and I went out for a run (another thing I have not done in days). Then I went to pick my son up from school. He is an amazing kid. He has been seeing the school counselor to help him deal with the divorce. He is so open and honest about how he feels, and the things they talk about. He talks openly, not only about how he feels, but the things he can do to help himself through this painful time. I was no where near that emotionally intelligent at that age! Sometimes the things he says just floor me, and I'm not just talking about the fart jokes. He inspires me so much. He gets me out of myself on a daily basis, and not just with the usual tasks of motherhood. There is this moment, right after he get out of the car at school in the morning, when we lock eyes. Not just for a second or two, but for several, deep and meaningful seconds. We say "I love you" with our eyes. We have never talked about it, but we do it everyday and it never, ever fails to make my heart flutter and gratitude wash over me. So, while I may feel sad over the gradual loss of one love in my life, I also have the most amazing, enduring and powerful love I have ever experienced. I need to put that at the top of my gratitude list everyday. Love IS our resistance...

Friday, January 20th, 2012- Does Anybody Really Know What Time it is?-Chicago

This song was in my head ALL NIGHT LONG. I kept waking up over and over, due to an awful headache and pain in my right ear, and every single time I heard the title phrase over and over. I think I was just hoping for more sleep. I do love this song.

Thursday, January 19th, 2012- Shake Your Rump-Beastie Boys

Hahaha...I just about fell out the bed laughing this morning when my first though was "Mike D Yeah? With your bad self running things, what's up with your bad breath onion rings?" Hahaha! I love never knowing what kind of song I will wake up with and even more so when it is something crazy like that.

Tuesday, January 17th, 2012- Bust a Move-Young MC

So, for the past few days, I have been redefining my concept of god. This is the first time in years that I have been willing and able to do so. When my Mom died, I was done with god. I didn't realize how much I was hurting myself by shutting down that part of myself. The spiritual side of myself. I am finally able to let it in again, although it is completely different than it used to be. I no longer believe that god intervenes in our lives. To oversimplify: God listens to Tim Tebow but not to the suffering of the world? I'm sorry, I just don't buy that anymore. That being said, I DO have faith...as contradictory as that sounds, it's true. I see god the most when I look at nature, and believe it or not, evolution. To know how incredibly complex a living being is, from the tiniest molecule to the entire organism and how all the systems work together to provide homeostasis, I just don't believe that was an accident. I really could go on about this forever, but I am trying to keep it simple. I am just grateful to feel that spirituality again. To not feel so empty- and also to not have to fill the emptiness with alcohol or despair or anger. Just being able to stop, take a look around, and breath in the serenity of sunshine, of fresh air, of my child's love for me, and my love for him. My first though of the day? "What comes next, just bust a move!"

Saturday, January 14th, 2012- Connected- Stereo MCs

The song I woke up with this morning was one of my Mom's favorites. My Mom was not your typical mom...not by a long shot. I think when people learn that she killed herself, they picture this morose woman, and that could not be further from the truth. She remains one of the most hilarious people I have ever known. As a child and teenager, I was painfully shy. I found her sense of humor to be excruciatingly embarrassing. Think a more reserved and slightly less twisted Louis CK. She was completely out of the box. Yeah, she did the "motherly" stuff: cooking, baking, sewing, and general home-making. She also rode a Harley, had a tattoo, and listened to bands like "Tool." She was also an amazing physical comedian and lightning fast with a sarcasm. As a much more confident and relaxed adult, I find that my own sense of humor to be so much like hers. I definitely gravitate toward the dirty and sarcastic side of the spectrum. I try not to embarrass or be inappropriate in front of my kid...although I may not always be successful at it, he is still at the age where he cracks up. I enjoy doing the physical comedy as well: a zombie walk, a fake fall, just general silliness and making fun of myself. My son LOVES that stuff, and I do it mostly for him. She had TONS of friends, and there was always some kind of party at our house. I feel so lucky to have inherited her sense of humor...and it helps me remember the fun times. Anyway, my first though of the day was "I see through you, I see through you." This video is just hilariously awful!

Friday, January 13th, 2012 - You are the One- Shiny Toy Guns

The past few days have been a real roller coaster- you think I would be used to that by now. I am finally taking these tangible steps towards independence...and all of these emotional road blocks keep being thrown up, and not necessarily my own. I can't even begin to delve into that, so I will talk about my Moment of Waking song instead. The first thought in my head, "You'll never be alone again." There is the pessimistic side of me that is like, "well, fuck you for that one, brain." Then there is the part of me that says that being "alone" is all in how I define it. I have been working really damn hard to stay off the pity pot, but it's not easy. I am alone, relationship wise, for the first time in 11 years. That is, if you define alone as a physical condition. Typing it all out, I realize that I have been emotionally alone many, many times throughout this 11-year marriage. Some of that was done to me, some of it I did to myself, by withdrawing. I have again withdrawn myself emotionally from this relationship, but in a completely new way. Not out of pain, spite, anger or bitterness, or even fear, but out of the need and desire to get healthy. I have withdrawn FOR myself. And I have to watch my definition of "alone." I have so many amazing people in my life, who have given me so much unconditional love...that is what I need to lean on. There is a law in my state in which, except in certain circumstances, you have to be separated for one year before you can file for divorce. When I first learned that, I was just like wtf? Now I am ok with it. I NEED that time. What I mean is, for the next ten months, if get in a relationship, it is still defined as infidelity, which is a pretty big deal to me. Yeah, I flirt, and crush on and talk shit, but I have never been unfaithful and don't plan on starting now. Not that I have anyone in mind anyway, hahaha. But, the next ten months can be a HUGE opportunity for growth if I work for it. There was a time in my life, when I spent three years intentionally choosing to be single. Saying no to dates and such. The first year was shitty as hell, but then I grew to really enjoy my own company. That was when I was in my 20s. I can do it again. Hell, I already feel a few steps ahead of that, I am much more at home in my own skin than I was then. So, here is the song, and I like that I can enjoy it instead of being all bitter about it. What a relief.

Monday, January 9th, 2012- Get Ur Freak On- Missy Elliott

Really crappy blog the first time I posted this...it was before I had consumed my required amount of caffeine to function. Still, not much to report today...which is always a good thing. I am finally getting the space I have asked for, and it really makes things so much easier. Easier just to focus on my own grieving and healing process. By no means is it fun, but it is so necessary, so I just gotta keep on breathing. Anyway, the first thought of the morning? "Me and Timbaland been hot since twenty years ago..." Love me some Missy!

Sunday, January 8th, 2012- Red Hill Mining Town-U2

What a bizarre night last night was...while I was sleeping. I have always experienced extremely vivid dreams, and I can usually remember them in great detail. However, the dream I had last night takes the cake. The only way I can come even close to describing it is this: it was like a mixture of "Poltergeist", "Blade Runner", and "The Matrix" with some, ahem, interesting side plots, if you get my drift. It was beyond vivid...I can remember the vast array of emotions, more than I can count. Same goes for the sensory experience- I was just completely enveloped, in every way. I mean, being able to see individual drops of condensation in the fog. It was one of those dreams that seemed like it lasted from the moment I fell asleep, until the moment I woke up. At the end, I was in a basement with a small group of strangers. As far a appearances go, it resembled Zion from "The Matrix'. It had no ceiling, it just extended into nothing. The basement was, beyond the walls, just a void. I was not scared by this, because it was just the way it was supposed to be.  So, in this basement, U2 was performing...and it was the beginning of their career. They were all baby-faced teenagers. They were playing "Red Hill Mining Town," surrounded by explosions of fire. Now, I don't think this has ever with a Moment of Waking song before. It was not just a thought right after waking up; it was an actual continuation of my dream. I mean for a few seconds there, I could still SEE the dream, even with my eyes open. The song did not skip or pause, it just moved smoothly from the dream into consciousness. I can remember the very moment it did. So, these were the lyrics that flowed from the dream into reality: "We'll scorch the earth, Set fire to the sky, we stoop so low, to reach so high. A link is lost, the chain undone, we wait all day, for night to come, and it comes, like a hunter child..." What an amazing night.

Friday, January 6th, 2012- That 70s Show theme song...

I have really been thinking a lot about forgiveness today. I keep being told that the reason I am going through with this divorce is because I will not grant forgiveness for one particular thing. And maybe that was true a few months ago. But I have really been searching myself, taking my own inventory, and I have come to the conclusion that I have given forgiveness, for this one thing and many others. Not that I'm Mother Teresa or anything. I have my own defects and fuck-ups and have my own part in the marriage to take responsibility for. I think that maybe I have been TOO forgiving, and that created a pattern of behavior, a vicious cycle. I think I have finally realized that no amount of forgiveness will change another person, even if they promise that they will change. So, what is really about for me is self preservation. I guess it finally hit home that no-one else is going to give me that. They don't call it other-people-preserving-you-for-you. I have to do it. The crazy thing is that it is just happening. Like it is almost out of my control. No matter what is said to me; the pleas, the promises, the "do you know how tough it really is out there" comments, I just keep moving forward, not giving in. I have ALWAYS caved in the past. And I just can't anymore. Not out of anger, resentment or lack of forgiveness. I have fear of caving in, but in this case, I don't think fear is a bad thing. Of course, I have waves of the aforementioned feelings and moments when I still act out on them. But that is happening less and less as things become clearer. Even though I am hurting, it's like I have found this little peaceful part somewhere in my heart, that knows I am making the right decision, and it just kind of takes over for me when things get intense. It is completely new and bizarre and foreign to me, but I'm just going to keep going with it. And hell yes, I have fear of this new and unknown future ahead of me, but dare I say I am just a little excited? Curious? Relieved? What a strange juxtaposition of feelings this all is...
First thought upon my Moment of Waking? "Hangin' Out!" I used to love this show. Until it started to suck, hahaha. Kind of like "Scrubs." Awesome show, just on the air for a little to long and got weird and stale. Oh well, that's what re-runs are for ;)

Thursday, January 5th, 2012- Little China Girl-David Bowie

The past 24 hours have been incredibly difficult. To deal with my own emotional pain is something I am pretty accustomed to. To deal with another persons emotional pain...pain that I am inflicting, well, that is just a whole 'nother ball of wax. It is almost unbearable. I don't even know how I am not giving in, I always have before. Not giving in is all the past 24 hours have consisted of, well that and just white-knuckling it. Just not giving in is all I have at the moment. That and the knowledge that I will get through this, even though it sure as hell does not feel like it. I am more grateful for that knowledge than I have ever been for anything in my life...it is keeping me sane. That and Daniel. I am taking some very tangible steps towards independence, which is awesome, but it almost doesn't even feel real. Not yet. I just gotta weather this storm. And I will. Even if I can't see through it right now.  I kinda feel like this song- sad lyrics with an upbeat melody. That kind of describes me in a nutshell...I find myself to be optimistic- most of the time- even though I hurt this bad. Even if it just the tiniest little voice in the back of my head, telling me it will be ok. I do have moments of complete hopelessness, but just moments, not days like when I was younger. I guess it's a matter of stringing those "it's gonna be ok" moments together and holding on tight. So maybe I have more than I thought when I started this post.  First thought of the morning? "Oh oh oh ohhh, Little China Girl." I have not thought of this song in forever! Love me some Bowie...

Wednesday, January 4th, 2012- Patches- Clarence Carter

"I was so raggedy, folks used to call me Patches"... I absolutely LOVE this song-everything about it. I have been on a big soul/blues/rockabilly kick lately, and I love that, too :)

Tuesday, January 3rd, 2011- Hahahaa...Footloose-Kenny Loggins

"Everybody cut, everybody cut.." Yep, that was the VERY FIRST thought I had this morning. Gawd, I LOVED this movie! Wonder if they have it on Netflix Instant? Oooo...maybe I will have an 80s Movie Marathon this weekend! Footloose, Flashdance, The Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink, Sixteen Candles, Ferris Bueller's Day Off...YES! Now, where did I put those legwarmers? ;)

Monday, January 2nd, 2012-Original Sin - Inxs

Woke  up in a great mood today, the foul attitude gone. It felt like a violent thunderstorm that came out of nowhere, or maybe I was just channeling Linda Blair in The Exorcist. I did learn one important thing though- never blog when you're possessed. You will regret it the next day, but what is done is done. Also, pea soup is a bitch to get out of a keyboard. Anyway, I got a good run in today, I am finally starting to get the rhythm of my breathing back. And I forgot how absolutely wonderful it feels to pound the pavement with the music pulsing through my ear buds. It wipes everything else out, and for a short time at least, there is no thinking, no analyzing, nothing but music, my breathing and my body in sync for one purpose.  So, the first thought I had upon waking was "Dream on, black girl." I love Inxs...and Michael Hutchence is rockin' an awesome mullet in this one.